The Trap of “Just in Case”
Let me guess—she reached out again. A late-night text. A random like on Instagram. Maybe she even swiped right on your Tinder profile after ghosting you months ago. And now your heart’s racing. Hope surges. “Maybe she’s changed her mind,” you think. “Maybe she realized she lost a good one.”
I’ve been there. I know what it feels like when an ex who left you cold suddenly drops breadcrumbs just when you’re starting to move on. But I’m going to tell you something that took me a long time—and a lot of pain—to figure out:
She’s not coming back because she wants you. She’s reaching out to keep you on the hook. You’re not “The One.” You’re the backup plan.
Backup, Not Priority
When she left, she made a decision. Maybe she monkey-branched to someone else, maybe she needed “space,” maybe she just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Whatever the excuse, she exited. And now, her circumstances are shifting. The new guy’s not as exciting. The dating pool is rougher than she expected. Her ego needs a boost. And guess who she remembers always being reliable, sweet, and “there for her”?
You.
Not because she wants you back. But because she needs to know someone still wants her. You’re the emotional safety net.
That’s not attraction. That’s insurance.
The Power of Patterns
Let’s be honest—she knows your patterns. Relationships are built on them. She knows how you think. She knows your routines. She knows your emotional responses. You’re predictable.
I learned that the hard way. My ex reached out a year and a half after we broke up. She was still with the guy she monkey-branched to, but suddenly wanted to “be friends.” Right. Friends.
She was sniffing around because her new plan wasn’t working out like she thought it would. She wanted to reopen the door—just in case. And the part that stung the most? She knew I’d swipe right. She knew I’d respond. Because I was still in the same pattern.
I hadn’t changed. I hadn’t moved on. I was still living in the shadow of who I used to be in the relationship. She knew it. I knew it. And when I finally saw it clearly, I made a different decision.
I ended it again. But this time, for good.
Gaslighting Yourself is a Losing Game
We don’t talk enough about how men gaslight themselves after a breakup. You know what I’m talking about. You start rewriting history to suit the outcome you want.
“It wasn’t really that bad.”
“She didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“If I just say the right thing, maybe she’ll remember why we worked.”
This is all ego, not love. You’re not obsessed with her—you’re obsessed with fixing the story. You can’t accept the rejection. You can’t believe that she could toss you aside after everything you gave. So instead of letting her go, you create a fantasy where she’s coming back and it’ll be better this time.
But you’re not fixing the story. You’re staying stuck in it.
Why the Second Time Around Hurts More
Some of you have already reconnected with your ex. You thought maybe it could work out again. You went on a couple of dates. Maybe you even hooked up. And for a second, it felt like the magic was back.
But it wasn’t. Because what changed?
Did she apologize for betraying your trust? Did she do real work on herself? Did she come back with accountability and a plan for how things would be different?
Or did she just drop back into your life because it was convenient, and you let her?
Letting her back in without requiring change is like giving the keys to a thief who already robbed your house. It’s not going to end well.
Why She’s Not The One
Listen carefully: a woman who ghosted, cheated, disrespected, or discarded you without remorse does not magically become relationship material just because she sends a “hey stranger” text.
She’s not The One. She’s The Lesson.
And if you don’t learn that lesson, you’re going to repeat it. Again. And again. Until the pain finally outweighs the fantasy.
That’s where I was. That’s when I started writing my book, Forget That B*tch, because I knew there were guys out there just like me—stuck in a loop of pain, hope, and denial. Good men, decent men, men who want to love and be loved—but who haven’t yet learned the most powerful form of love is the one you give to yourself.
She’s a Distraction from the Work
What’s really keeping you stuck isn’t her. It’s the fact that focusing on her gives you a convenient excuse not to focus on you.
Thinking about her means you don’t have to work on your fitness. It means you don’t have to face your income issues, or your purpose, or the porn addiction, or the fact that you haven’t had a real masculine influence in your life in years.
It means you don’t have to risk dating again. You don’t have to build new confidence. You don’t have to rewrite the story.
She’s the escape hatch from responsibility. And until you close that door for good, you’re never going to find the freedom you’re looking for.
The Dating Scene Isn’t That Bad
I know some of you are terrified to get back out there. You’ve heard horror stories about modern dating. You’ve swiped for weeks with no matches. You feel invisible.
But let me tell you this: it’s not that dating apps don’t work—it’s that you don’t know how to work them.
Inside my group coaching and in Beer Club, I’ve got guys who are absolutely crushing it on the apps. They’ve learned how to dial in their profiles, how to project confidence, how to screen for high-quality women. And guess what? They’re not just dating—they’re thriving.
You could be too. But not if you’re still pining over the girl who put your toothbrush in a drawer to make room for the guy who helped her paint the bedroom.
It’s Time to Choose Yourself
The question you’ve been avoiding isn’t “Will she come back?”
It’s “Why do I keep making space in my life for someone who walked out?”
If you’re ready to stop repeating the cycle, I’ve got something for you. My free ebook, Fine… Here’s How To Get Her Back, breaks down exactly why chasing her is the worst thing you can do—and what to do instead.
It’s the first step toward emotional clarity. Toward understanding your value. Toward becoming the man she’ll regret losing—not the man still begging to be chosen.
And when you’re ready to go deeper, Forget That B*tch is the roadmap. The book drops in June on Amazon and Audible, but you can pre-order the Kindle edition right now and be one of the first to get it.
Trust me, brother—she’s not coming back. But the man you lost in the process? He’s waiting. Let’s go get him.
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